I always have a movie or a song companion in every specific moment of my life. Always.
One song or one movie scene that usually doesn't have too much in common with the situation that I am in, but perfectly reflects my mood... And of course my rambling thoughts.
Oh, my thoughts. My own cancer. My proclivity to self destruction is my personal dark passenger.
I knew I shouldn't be left alone. I start thinking, talking to myself, falling in despair and desperately trying to come to the surface, get some air and just strive to get to the shore.
I had forgotten this feeling - the uncertainty, the fear, the doubt. It's been so long since I've been up all night, staring at the ceiling and praying... that you wouldn't leave me.
I always knew it. I always knew that if the day should come, I will be the one to walk away.
"I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."
But now... everything is warped. Now I know the truth.
I asked for it, right? "Rather than love, than money, than fame... give me TRUTH."
My dark passenger is completely satisfied: all his doubts about you, all his reasons to never trust you, all his objections had a strong point. He's glad. He likes being right. He has been starving for so long, he needed a big dish of betrayal.
I stood there, on the floor, concentrated on a zebra. Black and white. Black and white.
I couldn't believe the words although the visions that they brought to me were so painful. I know these visions very well. Every night I used to try to chase them away so that I could get some sleep and load up some sincere smiles for the coming day.
These visions... they show in every corner... in every moment of the past that I am supposed to let go of.
But I am reliving it. It's happening now, right in front of me. I can see her hands in your hair... your hands on her... All the kisses that I witnessed. I see them now again.
I'm inadequate. There are moments when I catch myself staring at you, wondering if you are who you really are... Wondering what will be the next thing that you will hide from me and my heart shaped tumor will finally give up beating for you.
I stare at you to convince myself that you are really here with me. Or... are you?
I stare so hard and wonder do you have any idea how much I love you?...Do you? How did you manage to bring back my need?
I keep repeating that I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I am not sure if I'm not just saying it to make myself believe it.
I am so pathetic in my panic. Humiliated, groveling, scared. I'm losing myself in the fear that you will leave me.
The truth... the truth that I asked for: You will destroy me. It's too late. I can't protect myself. You have the control.
Now I know how this will end.
My fucking heart...
One song or one movie scene that usually doesn't have too much in common with the situation that I am in, but perfectly reflects my mood... And of course my rambling thoughts.
Oh, my thoughts. My own cancer. My proclivity to self destruction is my personal dark passenger.
I knew I shouldn't be left alone. I start thinking, talking to myself, falling in despair and desperately trying to come to the surface, get some air and just strive to get to the shore.
I had forgotten this feeling - the uncertainty, the fear, the doubt. It's been so long since I've been up all night, staring at the ceiling and praying... that you wouldn't leave me.
I always knew it. I always knew that if the day should come, I will be the one to walk away.
"I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."
But now... everything is warped. Now I know the truth.
I asked for it, right? "Rather than love, than money, than fame... give me TRUTH."
My dark passenger is completely satisfied: all his doubts about you, all his reasons to never trust you, all his objections had a strong point. He's glad. He likes being right. He has been starving for so long, he needed a big dish of betrayal.
I stood there, on the floor, concentrated on a zebra. Black and white. Black and white.
I couldn't believe the words although the visions that they brought to me were so painful. I know these visions very well. Every night I used to try to chase them away so that I could get some sleep and load up some sincere smiles for the coming day.
These visions... they show in every corner... in every moment of the past that I am supposed to let go of.
But I am reliving it. It's happening now, right in front of me. I can see her hands in your hair... your hands on her... All the kisses that I witnessed. I see them now again.
I'm inadequate. There are moments when I catch myself staring at you, wondering if you are who you really are... Wondering what will be the next thing that you will hide from me and my heart shaped tumor will finally give up beating for you.
I stare at you to convince myself that you are really here with me. Or... are you?
I stare so hard and wonder do you have any idea how much I love you?...Do you? How did you manage to bring back my need?
I keep repeating that I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I am not sure if I'm not just saying it to make myself believe it.
I am so pathetic in my panic. Humiliated, groveling, scared. I'm losing myself in the fear that you will leave me.
The truth... the truth that I asked for: You will destroy me. It's too late. I can't protect myself. You have the control.
Now I know how this will end.
My fucking heart...
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