DETACH ME from my head

Oh man... I heard so many amazing tracks by awesome bands this year. Crystal Castles (Baptism), Warpaint (Elephants; Krimson; Burgundy), Interpol (Lights), Feist (Honey honey), My Brightest Diamond (Inside a boy), Uh Huh Her (Explode), Soil&Eclipse (Bridges; Sentence Me), Assemblage 23 (Impermanence), The Pierces (Space&Time), Lana Del Ray (Video Games), Florence's absolutely stunning new album and my latest obsession Little Hurricane (Haunted Heart; Give'em hell) - dragging me out of (or pulling me into) my darkest creepiest dangerous corners of my paranoid mind. And all of them bringing me one step closer to finding the perfect song.

This time I feel like I am closer than ever. I think this may be The One.

It's unreal. Every tone is like liters of lava than I am drinking greedily... It burns me from the inside, melts my internal organs, dissolves me and all memories of me...

I think of you in the furthest places where light and your breath feel like something I know I lost as a child when I was there. Cold-burning thieves drink the sun and eat concrete from our hands. Umbrellas cover the world and we sleep in the rain.

Don't follow them into the place that melts away...
I cannot go with you...
I cannot go with you.
This isn't home but it's where I really want to be.

Detach me
Detach me
Detach me...
from my head

Replace me
Replace me
Replace me...
with someone else

I don't belong here now
I don't belong here now.

I've crawled through.... myself and out.

I don't belong here.... now.



Oh, how many times in a day I wish I could detach myself... from my head.


Dissolve with me

This feeling

Това е нещо, което трябва да й кажа в очите. И няма друг начин, по който искам или трябва да го направя. But, being me, and the weirdo that I am, I HAVE TO have it here. To remind me... of the best feelings in the world. The feeling of letting go.

Исках да ти кажа толкова много други неща, толкова дълго време планирах до последния си дъх всичко, което трябва да знаеш и чуеш от мен. Но това, което трябва да ти кажа сега, което наистина изпитвам в момента, няма нищо общо с тях.

Следях те навсякъде. Съжалявам, ако те е карало да се чувстваш зле (не вярвам да е било така обаче). Следях те във всеки един профил, който можех да намеря в гугъл, всичките ти коментари, снимките ти, до които можех да се докопам. Знаех, че има нещо нередно свързано с теб, което той не искаше да ми каже. Усещах го, виждах го, но нямах идея какво е. И тъй като той отказваше да ми каже, преди да се почувства готов, аз исках да намеря някакви улики, знаци, които да ме насочат към естеството на проблема. Подозирах много неща. Кое от кое по-ужасни и деструктивни за мен самата. Подозирах, че все още е влюбен в теб, че не може да те преодолее и затова не може да се говори нормално с него за теб. Но се оказа, че съм била в неправилната посока. Оказа се, че си най-голямата грешка в живота му, единственото нещо, за което съжалява и изпитва срам пред себе си, че някога е допуснал. Сега след като знам истината, всичко изглежда толкова смислено и си идва на мястото перфектно.
Няма нужда да те "тормозя" с вниманието си повече. Наистина съжалявам, ако те е тревожело (но не вярвам). Не съжалявам, че го правех - трябваше да знам истината. Така както аз винаги я предлагам. И затова я търсех.
Няма нужда да ти казвам всичко останало, което ми се иска. Достатъчно е само да ти кажа това, което изпитвам най-силно в душата си: Пожелавам ти, от дъното на сърцето ми, най-чистото, дълготрайно и истинско щастие на света. Вярвам, че го заслужаваш. И да те поздравя с една песен на Concrete Blonde - Joey.
Да ти кимна и да ти се усмихна. Искрено. Точно както сега. И както всеки път се чувствам, когато се сетя за теб. :}





"Pure, raw explosive pleasure! Better than drugs, better than smack! Better than a dope-coke-crack-fix-shit-shoot-sniff-ganja-marijuana-blotter-acid-ecxtasy! Better than sex, head, 69, orgies, masturbation, tantrism, Kama sutra or Thai doggy style! Better than banana milkshakes! Better than George Lucas' trilogy, the muppets and 2001! Better than Emma Peel, Marilyn, Lara Croft and Cindy Crawford's beauty mark! Better than the B-side to Abbey Road, Jimmy Hendrix and the first man on the moon! Space Mountain, Santa Claus, Bill Gates' fortune, the Dalai Lama, Lazarus raised from the dead! Schwarzenegger's testosterone shots, Pam Anderson's lips! Woodstock, raves... Better than Sade, Rimbaud, Morrison and Castaneda! Better than freedom, better than life!"

"You bitch! God damn it, you broke my fucking heart!"

I always have a movie or a song companion in every specific moment of my life. Always.

One song or one movie scene that usually doesn't have too much in common with the situation that I am in, but perfectly reflects my mood... And of course my rambling thoughts.
Oh, my thoughts. My own cancer. My proclivity to self destruction is my personal dark passenger.

I knew I shouldn't be left alone. I start thinking, talking to myself, falling in despair and desperately trying to come to the surface, get some air and just strive to get to the shore.
I had forgotten this feeling - the uncertainty, the fear, the doubt. It's been so long since I've been up all night, staring at the ceiling and praying... that you wouldn't leave me.

I always knew it. I always knew that if the day should come, I will be the one to walk away.
"I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."
But now... everything is warped. Now I know the truth.
I asked for it, right? "Rather than love, than money, than fame... give me TRUTH."

My dark passenger is completely satisfied: all his doubts about you, all his reasons to never trust you, all his objections had a strong point. He's glad. He likes being right. He has been starving for so long, he needed a big dish of betrayal.

I stood there, on the floor, concentrated on a zebra. Black and white. Black and white.
I couldn't believe the words although the visions that they brought to me were so painful. I know these visions very well. Every night I used to try to chase them away so that I could get some sleep and load up some sincere smiles for the coming day.
These visions... they show in every corner... in every moment of the past that I am supposed to let go of.
But I am reliving it. It's happening now, right in front of me. I can see her hands in your hair... your hands on her... All the kisses that I witnessed. I see them now again.

I'm inadequate. There are moments when I catch myself staring at you, wondering if you are who you really are... Wondering what will be the next thing that you will hide from me and my heart shaped tumor will finally give up beating for you.
I stare at you to convince myself that you are really here with me. Or... are you?
I stare so hard and wonder do you have any idea how much I love you?...Do you? How did you manage to bring back my need?

I keep repeating that I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I am not sure if I'm not just saying it to make myself believe it.

I am so pathetic in my panic. Humiliated, groveling, scared. I'm losing myself in the fear that you will leave me.

The truth... the truth that I asked for: You will destroy me. It's too late. I can't protect myself. You have the control.

Now I know how this will end.

My fucking heart...