Now I know how this will end

You will destroy me.

Written in the stars above

I love to think of all the things that make me ache for you.
The music, always the music.

All those moments...

When I would listen to It's No Good and dream of the moment you would come "running to my open arms". When I wanted so much to believe that there was no way that you were happy "out there without me"...

When I would play that song by Apollo 440 on repeat and every guitar chord would stab my heart until it pokes a million holes in it.... and every waterfall of black blood would turn into a thunderbolt of light, making my eyes red and teary... I almost saw you in that light.

When I would picture all the dances we had and the precise way you held me.
When I would visualize every smile you gave me... the exact way your lips stretched, the small and endless reflection of the world in your dark brown eyes.
Or the way you looked at me and noone would see. Noone was supposed to. Not even me. Those piercing eyes...
I remember all the times you touched me... barely brushed your hand against mine, slightly hugged me for goodbye with simulated indifference.
I remember so well all the coldness that you tried so hard to radiate every time I couldn't control my hands and crushed you into a suffocating hug.
All the hours we spent together and all the bittersweet minutes after them in which I would project the freshly made memories... the ones that would give me the vision I yearned for...

I remember so well the abstinence I fell into without you. I could barely survive it at first, then somehow I learned to bear the starving to death for you, feeding only on the phantasm of you, until you come and satisfy me with just a look. Just a look, just one, just for me.


It's so good now.

I hope we have all the time in the world...