Now I know how this will end

You will destroy me.

Written in the stars above

I love to think of all the things that make me ache for you.
The music, always the music.

All those moments...

When I would listen to It's No Good and dream of the moment you would come "running to my open arms". When I wanted so much to believe that there was no way that you were happy "out there without me"...

When I would play that song by Apollo 440 on repeat and every guitar chord would stab my heart until it pokes a million holes in it.... and every waterfall of black blood would turn into a thunderbolt of light, making my eyes red and teary... I almost saw you in that light.

When I would picture all the dances we had and the precise way you held me.
When I would visualize every smile you gave me... the exact way your lips stretched, the small and endless reflection of the world in your dark brown eyes.
Or the way you looked at me and noone would see. Noone was supposed to. Not even me. Those piercing eyes...
I remember all the times you touched me... barely brushed your hand against mine, slightly hugged me for goodbye with simulated indifference.
I remember so well all the coldness that you tried so hard to radiate every time I couldn't control my hands and crushed you into a suffocating hug.
All the hours we spent together and all the bittersweet minutes after them in which I would project the freshly made memories... the ones that would give me the vision I yearned for...

I remember so well the abstinence I fell into without you. I could barely survive it at first, then somehow I learned to bear the starving to death for you, feeding only on the phantasm of you, until you come and satisfy me with just a look. Just a look, just one, just for me.


It's so good now.

I hope we have all the time in the world...

The Wall

"Listen to me. Listen. I could bend you with my finger and my thumb. A mere reed you feel in my hands. But whatever I do with this cage, I cannot get at you, and it is your soul that I want.

Why can't you come at your own free will?"

The way you move

This hunger inside of her... The guilt, the fear...
The upbeat rhythm of her pulse. All her blood is now in her pulsating head. Her hands are shaking. She doesn't want to fight it anymore... Take her. Take her completely! Take her now! Sweep her off her feet!...

Take her into your utopian non-existent fantasy and unroot her beating heart. Make her forget anyone she ever thought she loved, chase away all her reflections but the one on you.

Why would she dream of you when she has everything she wanted? Why are you even back in her head? When did your ghost come back to haunt her self delusional image of a love?

Your smile... your hands... your whisper... They're everywhere! Let her clutch you tight and NEVER LET HER GO again.

Drown her in your darkness.



DON'T

SLIP

AWAY

Never Bullshit Myself [part II]

I did it. It's begun.

You Let Me Down Again

You think I loved you more when you were unhappy?

Maybe I did.

Maybe I prefer you miserable, helpless and in despair cause it somehow makes you see things clearer. And maybe I just need to feel loved again, maybe I need you to need me no matter how much I hate needs...

Facts are:
I can't stop you from what I think would be a great mistake and you can't let me control you forever.

I can't expect you to never let me down again if you don't feel it.

I can't want you to look in the same direction as me and never say you knew we would eventually be apart. And wish me good luck and safe travels to Canada.

I thought I would never wish things weren't like that. I never thought you would really feel this way... again.

I also never thought for a second that we would eventually be apart and be okay with it.

But... good luck and safe travels.

Treason

First, there is desire. Then, passion.
Then, suspicion.
Jealousy.
Anger.
Betrayal.

When love is for the highest bidder, there can be no love.

Without trust there can be no love.

Jealousy, yes, jealousy will drive you mad.


Treason cannot be forgiven.
...If you run out of chances.
...If I run out of love.

There is so much you can do before you put an end to me, to us, to yourself.